R.eminiscence

His 21st Birthday

When i was young,on my every birthday,i would wish for a brother.
a brother who i would care & love.
when i was 5,my wish came true.
my family had a hard time choosing a name for him,but in the end,we named him Vincent.
I thought that i could live happily with him forever,but God reduced his lifespan & our hearts broke when the doctor said he had Alzheimer,a disease which affects the mental abilities including memory, language, and cognition.

I blamed myself for everything,
for not being able to take care of him properly,busying myself with school work,& he was only 5 when it happened.
though that incident struck me badly,i did not give up hope,but showed him more care then ever.

At the age of 12,he was struck down with kidney cancer.
it was another heart shattering news,as i looked at him struggling for survival.
despite his illness,he continued to be active in school & the teachers loved him.
When he was 16,he was struck with leukaemia,in which he was forced to stop being active.
That 3 incidents broke my heart badly & i cried out one day,in my room.
I cried out to God,"Why?Why must you do this to him?Why?!"
I didnt know that Vincent came into the room.
Then he told me something which i was shocked to hear,"Why do you cry for me?If its the Lord's will to take me away,let him.
After all,we were,made by him & we shall die by him."

That sentences shocked me & after he left the room,i felt a strong presence calming me down.

When he was 20years 3months old,we brought him for his usual check up & we were shocked to know that he had only 9months to live on.
I scolded God for making his life shorter & i was deeply sad with his life.
From an energetic,hyperactive person to a dying person.
Even though i was sad,i tried to spend my time with him within that 9months.
I told him stories at his bedside in the hospital,i read him stories from the bible.
when i told him about how Jesus died,he screamed,"No!That's not how it should be!No,it's not fair,it's not true!"
Somehow,i calmed him down & eased him.

On the last day of his life,i spent the whole day in the hospital with him,telling him how nice heaven was.
As I told him that,we would be happy if he was happy,he suddenly said,"Angie,that time you told me the story of how Jesus died,that crown,its not a crown of thorns! It's a shining golden crown,the brightest crown i've ever seen."
Looking at the spot where he pointed,i smiled sadly but i knew his time was almost up.
Few minutes before he died,he said this to me,"Angie my sister,please tell mum & dad that i'm going with that man over there,tell them not to worry about me. I'll be alright."
I once again looked at the same spot where he pointed & i felt a warm presence in that room.

Tears flowed down like a river.

On the last minute,he said,"I'm going now,please tell mum & dad that i will be alright.I love you Angela,I love you my beloved sister.I will miss you...."
His voice trailed off...
I burst out crying,crying for him,grabbing his body,
i shouted,"Why?Why must you leave me?!"
Then he suddenly opened his eyes,"Let me go Angie,I must be with my father now."
I let go of him & wept bitterly,i knew he was in heaven.
As the clock stuck 12,i suddenly remembered something.

It was his 21st birthday.

Claudia died yesterday.

Dear diary,

P!nk has awesome songs.
like what she sang :
Dear, dear diary,
I want to tell my secrets
Cuz you're the only one that I know who'll keep them
Dear, dear diary,
I want to tell my secrets I know you'll keep them,
and this is what I've done .

damn, the stress is bulking up.
sec5,O's,work,friends.
& i know what im gonna do.
im just gonna lay the cards on the table.

~end~

Dear Diary,

im speechless.
i really do not know what to say.
tears just flows out without authority given.
i admit.
everything is my fault okay.
there's not much people i can trust.
worse still,
not much people i can turn to.
and all i am left with is my carebear.
i dont want to trouble my bff.
neither do i want my friendships to fall.
but i feel like an idiot.
no one understands me.
no one i suppose.
memories can be bad.
whatever.
i dont think anyone cares, neither will i care then.
i will not care about whatever shitty things that happens to me.
bye.

ps. you fucking annoy me.

Dear Diary,

my apologies for not talking to you for quite awhile.
currently,
im busy with church lesson planning & stuff.
studying too.
i simply miss school.
well,i hope the manager from this cafe at holland v calls me tomorrow.
i really wanna work.
but she said i have to work next year too.
N'level results are released on the 17th december.
im very very very anxious.
i dont know why but i studied amath really hard before exams okay.
i just wanna get to sec5.
i wanna take O's.
but if im gonna go sec5,ill have to work cum study cum teach church cum church.
but i wont mind,
get to see all the cute caucasians~
well,lets hope for tomorrow.
Au Revoir.

Dear Diary,
i seem to get crazier & crazier.
i dont understand.
i thought everything will be better?

there's this stupid bitch who said she wont pay for anything.
well,opps,sorry.
will try not to use absurd words.
promise.
well,there's this doggy at home.
we had a huge arguement.& it aint my fault at all.
and then she said, "you got fight for yourself,no respect at all,no money for you"
well.
literally,she dont deserve my respect,its too good for her.
then,i have a problemo.
if i have to work for my money & to pay for school next year,
wont it be "worse than working during hols"?
well...

im exhausted now.
will ttyl.
thanks.

~au revoir~

am i getting paranoid?

am i crazy?

will i be?

i think i am.

Dear Diary,

Im really exhausted.
Grad night is this friday.
recently,
ive not been the giving one.
always demanding & stuff.
but i dont know why.
i dont know how long the friendship will last.
but i do hope its forever.

~adios~

C.laudia♥

" She’s a lil girl,
living in her perfect world
Until the bad guy come,
and tore everything apart.."

Money cant buy everything
Not all endings are happy
everything's just like alice in her lalaland.

Claudia.
was on earth for 16 annoying years.
since 220794.
Friends take priorities.
i ♥ green & panda.

` Green Crumpler bag
` Pass chinese
` Better videoing skills
` Panda stuff toys
` A new green badminton racquet
` Have a stronger voice
` Finish learning guitar
` New handphone
~~` Promote to sec5NA/Higher Nitec~~
` Looney Tunes stuff toy

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Designer : Chili.
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